11 May 2008

Show me, show me, show me

Cheney and I went to Philadelphia this weekend to see the Cure. It was one of the first new experiences I've had in a really long time.

Now, I'm no Cure fan-girl or anything. I would hardly go so far as to call myself a "fan", honestly. I have the songs that I like and that's pretty much as far as it goes. But this was my very first experience seeing someone that is so unbelievably famous in such a huge freaking place surrounded by so many freaking people. I've never been to an arena concert before and I'll tell you what, it's a lot different then packing people in to see O'Death play at the Oasis. I feel like I was the only person in the entire arena that was looking around at all the people instead obsessing over Robert Smiths' jolly [yet somehow still intimidating] demeanor. And I'll tell you what, these people were having the times their lives.

I always try to appreciate new experiences and new people. The entire Hollywood institution kind of grinds my gears [a topic for another blog] but there is something to be said about someone that, throughout the last few decades, has gained the love and respect of all kinds of people all over the world. Around the middle of the show I found myself thinking about how people tend to separate themselves from others based on the music that they prefer.

Then they played Just Like Heaven...and I sang and danced along with every other person there.

02 May 2008

Figure it out

Being a young adult growing up in America has come to be quite terrifying. Not to say that I was ever the kind of person to be all that concerned with my government and how it effects the world around me [I know, it's terrible] but it's almost unavoidable at this point. This being said, when it came to me going back to school and making some kind of concrete decisions concerning my career and my future, I got kind of freaked out. I started doing research on so many different professions, more or less searching for the one who's degree would take me the least amount of time to obtain [and would make me the most money in the least amount of time]

In realizing that all I was doing was becoming part of the American Scum that has scared me into this position in the first place, I've decided to stop being a bitch about everything and just go to nursing school. It's something I've had my heart on for some time now, and instead of being intimidated by the stress of school I've decided to start now and deal with it as it comes. I'm no stranger to the stresses of the medical profession and I need to stop making all of these excuses and just do what God has been putting on my heart this whole time.

I'm anxious. But I don't think anything has ever felt this good.

23 April 2008

This is the last minute of the last day of [your] life

I'm through saying and thinking the same things that everyone else says and thinks about death.

"It's ok to feel [insert your emotions-of-the-moment here] "

"Everyone has to deal with things in their own way."

"Take all the time you need and eventually it won't hurt so bad."

Screw all that. Whether true or not they're pathetic statements that give you the right to not have to feel anything else. Your friend/brother/son is dead, and what do you do now? You scream and swear and cry and drink. You let yourself feel an anger that you otherwise deny. You let yourself be held by people that don't necesarily mean anything to you. You take comfort from wherever it comes and fail over and over to sleep through the night. You take solice in the ones that loved him and take pity on the ones who didn't. How unfortunate that someone should go their entire lives without being touched by him in some way.

I could say so many more things, but they're just words. They're sounds that we make that try to make sense of the things that we feel, only to fail every time.

Phil was my friend. I'm going to think about him sometimes. Sometimes it will feel nice, but other times it just won't. It won't feel good to remember that he should still be my friend. Or that he should still be making music. Or that it was his choices, not just his [or our] misfortune, that took him away from us.

I thought that this weekend would give me closure. My eyes won't be dry for some time.

13 April 2008

Of plans and passages

I received a comment in response to my last blog from an old friend from church. Not only did I used to attend a bible study with a friend of mine that he and his wife hosted, I've babysat their 3 blessed children on many past occasions.

Probably in his mid-to-late thirties by now, he stated that he and his wife were married when they were 23 and 24 and how "the awesomeness of that has hardly faltered. Even with the kids who need so much instruction, it's still great to have them and be a family. There are no guarantees but doing it by God's plan increases your odds for marital bliss."

I was once so sure of what God had planned for me. The constant security I received from my relationships and my profession had me convinced that I was on the right path and making the right choices. So once those relationships began to falter I spent so much time trying to look past the obstructions that they fell apart around me. I feel that if I had paid closer attention that it wouldn't have hit quite as hard as it did. And I've since come to realize that in order to stay on track you have to pay really, really close attention to how your decisions are affecting the world you're living in.

Certainty is erratic. One day I'm totally certain that I want to be a doctor, the next I, without a doubt, want to fly to South Africa and open up an AIDS clinic. Call me fickle, but one of the things I have the most difficulty with is listening to what my heart is truly saying. Because God is in my heart, but it always seems like everything and everyone else is shouting while He's sitting patiently waiting for me to listen.

Your life is what you make of it. If you're blessed enough to meet the person that you are undoubtedly meant to have your family with in your early 20s you shouldn't dismiss it because you're still busy being in your early 20s. God won't give you more than you are capable of, and you are capable of happily living your life with the person that you decide to love forever. If at any time you feel that you're not then maybe you should reflect on whose plan your actually carrying out.

I want to end up a capable wife and mother that loves herself and her family. I want to spend the next 30-40 years in a spiritually and financially rewarding profession that provides for myself and my family. I want to be educated and in control of my immediate happiness. I want to believe with all my heart that these are God's plans for me. I pray that I will one day figure it out.

I will be blessed.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him
and he will direct your paths.

You'll learn the hard way

Being young is supposed to be fun.

So why do so many of us run stumbling in the direction of a responsible adulthood?

Now,I have also been guilty of this in past lives. It is especially hard as a female to not want to be everything that society says you should be, even if you are younger than the standard. And at a time when we can no longer get away with putting responsibilities on others, it’s hard to step up and do enough for yourself to feel accomplished. Getting up and going to work and doing a good job just doesn’t cut it anymore.

I feel that this is why so many young people rush into the arms of an amenable adulthood in their early 20’s instead of doing what they can to appreciate what’s left of their foot loose and fancy free-ness.

For instance, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be committed to another person that you can enjoy sharing yourself with. Being in love is sweet. But I feel one of the things young people don’t realize is that by getting married and settling into something that is meant to be so permanent at such a young age they’re not only sacrificing certain liberties (like being able to Change Your Mind...very important) but they’re setting themselves up for a very probable failure. Which to me is a very scary word.

Living is learning.Anyone who knows me knows I’ve fought similar battles. Learning things "the hard way" seems to be the only way things go down these days. What ever happened to taking advice from people older an wiser and trusting your instincts? I guess that’s just not the way our generation was bred to live, which is one of the reasons we not only end up living alone in a nation with a 50% divorce rate, but we’re doing it with 2 or 3 kids living paycheck to paycheck. How empowering.

I don’t usually rant like this about such things, but I’ve been trying really hard lately to be proactive and responsible while still holding on for dear life to the fact that I can go out to the bar and spend the money I was supposed to spend on my phone bill on getting drunk with my friends without it turning into some kind of crisis. It’s an easier balance than most might think.

You should all give it a shot sometime before you’re divorced and collecting/paying child support. Who knows? You might even end up happy one day.